“Home in 20,” his text read. “k. love you. even tho i burnt our lasagna.”

It’s been one of those weeks.

Elliana wouldn’t go to sleep tonight. Typically she would sleep till Christmas if I let her.

But tonight she was restless.  As if aware of a world that isn’t right. Being crammed in a home she wasn’t made for.

I held her crying tears as her wisdom held my invitation to prayer.

I thought of the stupid spinach that’s had me down with food poisoning.

I thought of my friend Juli and her family and what it would feel like to watch an explosion kill people.

I thought of my friend’s couch and her exhausted voice telling me about her crumbled marriage.

I thought of the one deciding if it’s best to give her daughter up for adoption.

And the one who’s out of jail again, but manic again, too.

I thought of the pit of anxiety in my stomach, collapsing at trying to carry weights beyond my control.

I thought of my crammed soul.

greenclose1Moisture rolled from my eyes. As if Elliana’s tears had told them it was okay.

That home is not in this bedroom.

Her body was calm on my chest now, her soft cheek nuzzled into mine.

I thought of the verse God’s been telling me about from the Psalms. That He has set my feet in a spacious place (31.8).

Her greyish navy eyes looked deep into mine.

Like a quiet corner of the ocean after an exhausting storm.

Her demeanor whispered space.

A quiet place of rest.

Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning (30:5).

We laid in this gaze for awhile.

And then I served him burnt lasagna, and told him again that I loved him.

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